des vacances

I am gone. Vacation. Camping for a week... will return with pictures.

Michigan State Police Test has been returned. Needed to pass: 197 points...

Section one 140 points needed to pass. Me 153
Section two 30 points needed to pass. Me 40
Section three 4 points needed to pass. Me 3

My total, 196... Fail.

Near death experience.

I like to kayak, I like the water, I like being at the beach... but my biggest fear.. drowning.

It was a little rough out yesterday as I paddled out in Sturgeon Bay the caps were white but nothing outrageous, maybe 2 foot crest, 3 foot swells.. it was pretty cool to see the waves crash over my bow, I had gone out maybe at the most a half mile, and decided to bring it back in as I was nearing shore, the waves were hitting me from behind and slightly on the right of my boat, I wanted to correct course just a bit to make it where we had decided to put our beach gear down, I turned towards the beach and a wave came in, crashing the side of my boat and causing me to flip, now please understand my kayak looks like this.



it is my pride and joy, I made it myself and love it. (Do not get me started on my green water paddles... awesome!!)

I have never dumped my boat before, and never had to escape, never tried an Eskimo roll in it, and now was not the time to practice. As I went over, the biggest breath of air I was going to take was full of water, and as I emerged to the surface I was panicked. I was above any spot where I could put my feet on the ground, and could not catch my breath I started swimming towards shore, and every breath I took was fast, short and full of water as the waves crashed over me. I swam first for my boat, all those years of canoeing taught me that I could cling to the boat to rest then start over, but it floated away faster then my energy could take me towards it. I swam, I was tired, I tried to float for a second, but the waves kept me from getting a chance to rest. I could see the shore... I was scared.. I prayed... Yep.. me... I did not think I was going to make it..


Help... I said... Help! HELP!! My brother in law looked on... He yelled back, You? or the Boat! FUCK THE BOAT! SAVE ME! was my response... I did the doggy paddle... keeping myself a float... using energy I did not know I had... The thought of giving up went through my mind... How easy it would be to let go I was exhausted... He ran out to me, buy the time he was near me he was still standing... I put my feet on solid ground... I was tired... felt a fool... but alive.

Fuck... looking back, I know I did everything wrong... I have paddle that water for years venturing out farther with less protective gear on...

I am happy to report, everything made it back safely to shore, except my sun glasses. I also have learned some important lessens, and hope never to make this mistake again.

It is sad when anyone dies... MJ has been dead for years, time just caught up with him. I am sorry to see a life so full of potential lost before its time... good By MJ, Farrah, Nede and Ed amongst the millions of other not fortunate enough to be famous... every life no matter how small, young or old has touched another life.

DEAR IDEASMITH: My fiance wants a prenuptial agreement. I am willing to sign one, even though it's not my idea. This is to protect his finances.

According to our research, we are both supposed to hire our own attorneys. My question: Is it my responsibility to pay for my attorney even though we are doing the prenup only to protect my fiance's assets and inheritance? -- JUST WONDERING IN WISCONSIN

Dear Gold Digger, It is nice to know you are going in with the idea of it not working out. Too often have I seen relationships succeed. Your future husband is very smart, he will have you till you are used up and cast you aside knowing his assets are safe, and then rinse, repeat. I am glad that you are so liberated and accepting of a mans world. As far as who pays for the attorney, you should just sign whatever he puts in front of you.

DEAR IDEASMITH: My husband and I recently attended a spaghetti dinner. Is there a proper way to eat long noodles, or should one just put in a forkful and slurp up the noodles until they are gone? -- USING MY NOODLE IN DULUTH

Noodle head, there is only one way to eat spaghetti, and that is to use the 3 clam shells. 

DEAR IDEASMITH: We desperately need your help on how to say "no thanks," without hurting our friends' feelings. A lovely couple at church regularly invite us to their home for dinner. "Judy" is an avid reader and enjoys clipping recipes from newspapers and magazines.

When we arrive, the conversation usually starts with, "I got a new recipe." We have been served half-cooked bean soup that felt like we were chewing on little pebbles from the river, casseroles with cheese topping so hard it could be used as roadway asphalt, and cakes as heavy as lead. Thank God for lemonade to wash down the taste.

We feel like their guinea pigs. We like their company, but we're afraid our medical bill could be higher this year if we venture into the wrong meal. These people are great friends and fun to be around. How do we say no without hurting their feelings? -- QUEASY IN KENTUCKY

First Queasy people who "clip" random recipes are avid readers as much as people who read the contents of shampoo bottles while they shit. Second if you do not want to eat their food, do not be douche bags and bad mouth them from here to the other side of the internet... just tell them their food sucks ass, or better yet because you know them from church, tell them Jesus could not even raise this food from the dead. I hope to all that is holy in this world that I do not have friends like you, because you two suck for all your crappy chit chat about your supposed friends food.

DEAR IDEASMITH: My father was recently widowed at the age of 77. I know he's lonely because he has never lived by himself, but I'm concerned about his social behavior. He makes sexual remarks around women of all ages -- from 21 to 101. If he sees that I'm shocked or embarrassed, he says he likes a good laugh and "this is nothing they haven't heard before."

I have tried telling Dad that his comments are offensive and degrading. I love him and want him to be happy, but I'm afraid he's making a fool of himself and will end up with a poor reputation in our small retirement town.

Am I wrong? How can I help him see the error of his ways? -- DISCONCERTED DAUGHTER

Dear Double Ds. I can see where a woman might see your dads jokes as humorless. Some woman, such as your self, can not understand the complex humor of a mans joke. Maybe if the joke was about dishes or laundry it would make sense to you. You may want to put down the iron and pick up a fake smile, because no one knows how stupid you are till you open your mouth.

DEAR IDEASMITH: Our family, consisting of our three children, their spouses, our grandchildren and great-grandchildren, have occasional gatherings to celebrate special events. My husband's 90th birthday is this summer, and the immediate family will come here, some from faraway locations.

My daughter-in-law, "Janie," who lives 2,000 miles away, has felt for years that her children from previous marriages (who do not know any of us) should be included at these events. They live within 100 miles of our home and could attend if invited. Our relationship with Janie has been generally cordial and affectionate. She will be visiting her children at their homes the week of the birthday. If we exclude her kids from our celebration, she will feel insulted and resentful.

How obligated should we feel to bow to Janie's demands and include four additional adults and a young child to our party? My husband becomes upset and confused by large groups and noisy children. -- CORNERED ON THE EASTERN SHORE

Well Cornered, my advice is simple and short. You will be dead soon... what does it matter.

DEAR IDEASMITH: I have been in a relationship with "John" for the past seven years. I live down south, while John lives up north. John is 76 and does not plan to retire, even though he doesn't have to work. I am 65 and need to work.

Is it possible for this long-distance relationship to survive? Part of me wishes we would end it so we could start over with someone who lives in the same city. I'm tired of living this way, but cannot seem to make the break. What should I do? -- SOUTHERN BELLE

Where to begin? Well Southern Belle or should I say Ma Belle (cuz you be old and shit)... the thought of you and the crypt keeper getting it on has damaged me. But shit girl you are 65, it is not like there is a stream of bachelors knocking on your door. Take what you can get and hope that your hips hold up. nasty nasty nasty....

DEAR IDEASMITH: My husband and I recently watched a comedy that featured men cross-dressing. Ever since, I have had a burning desire to have my husband wear sexy lingerie and makeup.

There is nothing effeminate about him, but I can't get this out of my head. I bought him a lacy bra and panty set, garter belt and stockings, but I haven't had the nerve to ask him to wear them. Am I crazy? Should I try to forget this? -- BURNING DESIRE IN NAHANT, MASS.

Wow... freaky!! Anyhow... this is not unusual for women to desire such things, however I believe you are doing it wrong. Your subconscious desires for women are coming to the surface. You need to have sex with a woman, to find out if maybe, just maybe that is what you are into. Send Pictures.

More Photo shifting...

Before (tigers game)

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DEAR IDEASMITH: I tried many things to change my attitude toward my difficult child. As a last resort two months ago, we went to his pediatrician. After completing a physical and some paperwork, he diagnosed my son with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) as well as ADHD. He is now taking medication, and we have begun family counseling. My shame and anger dissolved as I began to understand the reasons behind his behavior and learn specific ways to deal with it. -- UNDERSTANDS HER PAIN IN OHIO

Look Ohio, this is a place where people come for advice, notice the string of letters before this one, not to tell a story.. if you want to sit around and tell people how hard your shit was before you doped up your kid write your own blog, I have a little story about a guy who got fucking crucified for all the sins in the world... your life doesn't seem so bad now does it... Do not waste my time, write for advice only people....

DEAR IDEASMITH: What is the proper use of paper and fabric napkins in a restaurant? My husband and I enjoy going to fine restaurants and including a young family member to celebrate a triumph and to teach something at the same time. We have always wondered what the proper etiquette is regarding the use of the napkin. -- ANA IN FLORIDA

Ana, what a thoughtful question. I am sure you have heard that the proper use of a napkin in fine dinning is to be unfolded and placed in your lap. But before you continue on with this practice I must explain that while this has been true, when you bring a "young family member" it is good mannered to consider those around you and tie it like a fucking gag in their mouth, if I have to sit next to one more crying and screaming kid while I pay 50 dollars for a fucking steak I am going to kill someone. Do everyone a favor and go to Chucky Cheeses for christ sake!

DEAR IDEASMITH: My son was required to read "Romeo and Juliet" in his freshman year of high school. It has always bothered me that this play is considered good for teenagers to read, much less required reading. The story ends with Romeo and Juliet committing suicide, which is considered "romantic." Teen suicide is on the rise. I feel we don't need teens seeing this in literature as a romantic way out of problems. What do you think? -- MICHELLE IN CHUBBUCK, IDAHO

Well Michelle in Chubbuck, Idaho, You bring up a good point, and I agree, this story glorifies assisted teen suicide, not to mention premarital sex and sword fighting in the streets. It is outrageous! We should ban it.

We should also ban any movie by Disney depicting the death of our heros mother, as it glorifies mom-o-cide as a tool to become an over achiever.

I am also thinking we should ban any comic strip involving a fat talking orange cat, because not only does this break the laws of nature but this cat also show little respect for the human race in general.

I am glad you brought this to our attention... you should start an email petition, and spend countless hours and tons of energy on this matter.

DEAR IDEASMITH: My mother and I got into a "debate" about the bridesmaids for my upcoming wedding. She said that a bridesmaid has to be a single woman.

I have often seen bridesmaids who are married, so I didn't think they "had" to be single. Which of us is right? -- PENNSYLVANIA BRIDE-TO-BE

Thanks for the question PBRB single or married, the answer, is easier then you think, either/or, just make sure they are slutty, the groomsmen love hooking up with random women at weddings, and the bridesmaids are the trophy that everyone is trying to win.

Everyone knows that you are not putting out for anyone but that chump who just dumped a huge wad of cash on everything only to find you that you will do nothing. 

Anyhow.. where was I... oh yes, slutty whores.. oh wait unless you are fat, then you should pick even fatter women. That way you look good. Except in pictures where it just looks like a mountain of flesh... not so good, you know what if you are fat... find ugly women... that is your best bet.

DEAR IDEASMITH I was "The Other Man" for 30 years. I was a teenager and still in high school when I met "Sue." She was in her 20s, gorgeous, and I was earning money mowing lawns. I was a virgin. It started with me rubbing suntan lotion on her back. Her husband was in the military.

One day she told me she was lonely because her husband was gone so much and their 5-year-old was in kindergarten. She asked me to be her "special friend." After high school she paid for me to go to trade school. For 29 years I followed her wherever the military sent her husband. I even had a vasectomy so I wouldn't get her pregnant. I lived my life for her.

Her husband has now retired from the military. She has time for me now maybe once a month. What we had is fading more each week. She is my first and only love, and I'll never find anyone to love as I have loved her, or father children of my own. Is my life worth living? -- DEPRESSED OUT WEST

Dear Depressed out.. you have now bummed me out. To answer your question is life worth living? For me yes, for you... I don't thing so. I mean you sound like a pretty worthless person, never putting down roots, having sex with a married woman, leaching of her husbands income to get an education... I mean you are practically stealing everything from this guy who is putting his life on the line to protect our freedoms. You make me sick. I bet when you die you will go to Soviet hell, because the American hell just wont want you. Say Hi to Hitler while you burn.